I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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