she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
