i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
