everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize