She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize