Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
