this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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