How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
