halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
