You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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