i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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