Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
