I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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