Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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