And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
