sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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