Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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