I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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