I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
