I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
