can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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