I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so much tequila, so little girl.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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