I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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