They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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