i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
