Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
