Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i now understand why vodka
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
