meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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