Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We're too hungover to prance.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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