I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
either way he was missing a nipple.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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