He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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