I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
