The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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