he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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