after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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