a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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