Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
