You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
