I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
