update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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