i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
