Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
