apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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