I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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