she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
