Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
