he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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