would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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