I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
