OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
