Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
