He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
