Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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