nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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