You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
