Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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