omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize