She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
